What is attraction?

In science attraction is well-defined. Among people it can be, well, it can be difficult to parse.

Case in point is a woman who has worked at a local bar for the past, oh, 5 years. She was very young when she started. She got pregnant, had a kid, and still works there, having taken on bigger duties, some bartending, and heading the waitstaff. About a month or so before Christmas she sat down at the bar next to me, and I shared about a dozen words with her. A few months after that I gave her a piece of weed candy. She wouldn't look at me then, and after all these years I wondered if her inability to register me was purely out of intimidation, shyness, et cetera. I've witnessed her on several occasions on dates with what look to be 'pretty boys.' Since they're on firstish dates, I suspect that in some cases these guys are overdoing their dress. Nevertheless, she sat next to me. After that piece of candy she told the bartender that she was going to sit and talk with me for a moment. The bartender informed me of this. We talked briefly. She left. Since then we've exchanged about a dozen or so words, some glances, some hellos, and I've seen her out with other pretty boys. I don't know how available she is, and when I brought my own girlfriend into the bar I half-fantasized that she was pissed by this, but then again, she does have a rather convincing resting bitch face to begin with. Is her hair really blonde? I noticed her dark roots the last night she was working the bar.

Am I attracted to her? I've been thinking of her. Since she talked with me, she's high-tailed it for the door at the end of her shift, not spending a moment to talk with me. She will sometimes talk to a serial loner gay man at the bar like they're old friends. She will often give me this big over her head wave, as I look at her. I don't know what to say. She is probably young enough to be my child, but I am almost single, never been married, never had kids. Fuck. I'm virtually a priest with pedophilia and all to boot. But this girl, well, I think what I am attracted to or more or less observant of is her meaning to me. She's a youthful woman, buxom, blonde, not entirely stupid. She represents more than some date but a potential mother to my own kid, a chance for me to be a dad, and a chance for me to date someone younger than me for a change.

What is attraction? In this case my attraction is clouded by a greater force of logic concerning what she could be or mean next to me. That's hardly a good reason to pursue her, and I hardly pursue her. I need to talk with her more often. I recall a very long, hard stare she gave me when she was all dolled up in her hockey jersey one night. Deer in headlights moment for me. I didn't go talk to her. I have nothing pressing to say other than 'hi.' She blushes when I come over and talk with her. Does she like me or does she like the attention? Perhaps I'm just some vague concept of a stable relationship to her. Her kid in many cases sweetens the deal. I've gone as far with my current relationship as it can go because she's well past any reasonable age to bear children let alone adopt one. Family, fatherhood, these are also vague concepts to me, but damn are they powerful attractors, responsibilities that I'd like to yoke. Is she worth it? I don't know how crazy or irrational she is. The bonus is that she doesn't smoke. But she's getting heavier by the years. Right now she's a black man's wet dream: big tits, big ass, blonde, white. Is that what I am trying to corner? I don't know. I need to find a means of speaking with her. She does her best to avoid me for reasons that are probably as complicated as my attempt to understand what my attraction to her is.

I'll just leave it at that. Two ships passing in the night. And she's one ship I'd like to board.