Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Authority
I have my bodily metabolites analyzed and my thinking imaged in order to determine a truth I cannot be trusted to articulate with my mouth.
Friday, June 17, 2011
between a rock and another rock
I have a chance to leave my house, but it will be to see a band. I was invited by someone I should not spend time with outside of family functions. She's the mother of my nieces. Why does this happen?
This should not have happened. No, it did not happen. Nothing happened. Nothing will. For as long as I have any handle on the situation I will ensure that nothing happens. Nothing always happens. That's my specialty. I had a joke based upon this today.
"Your farts smell like nothing when you're nobody."
That is hardly a victory. It is an un-win. It is not a win, and neither is it a loss. It occupies the third category, which is that of the un-win. The win precluded me. I cannot win, nor can I lose because I have no legitimacy to compete. I am not there. I was always missing from the picture.
I unraveled my friendships just to see how they were particularly coiled. I was unable to reconstitute them. I loosed trust in the process of the unraveling.
Why do I think of lost opportunities? My relationship unraveling is a consequence of not wanting to lose an opportunity. A lot of good this does me.
Once again I will let an opportunity dissipate. The window will close. It should. It wasn't there. Opportunities don't exist. Moments present themselves and you either choose to act or avoid acting upon some presumption that for you is ripe in this moment. A lot of good that will do you. A lot of damn good that will do.
The moment will pass as all moments should. I cannot wish them into existence. I cannot wish them away. They merely exist. Here, I stand with no one. I am non-coincident to myself. Existence pushes something aside. I have no desire to push back. I have no desire. I have no will. I have no motivation. I am without a narrative or an identity that persuades me to act upon it let alone share it.
But I have a dream to be a cloud someday. I am mostly water, so I am mostly a cloud with some other mineral and molecular material holding it to the ground in some semblance of a person. I want to be a cloud. Sooner or later this personage, this historical, nagging inertia of an identity will lose its selfish battle for self-identity. Then, then my watery remainder will rise into the sky.
To want to be a cloud is a laughable offense.
This should not have happened. No, it did not happen. Nothing happened. Nothing will. For as long as I have any handle on the situation I will ensure that nothing happens. Nothing always happens. That's my specialty. I had a joke based upon this today.
"Your farts smell like nothing when you're nobody."
That is hardly a victory. It is an un-win. It is not a win, and neither is it a loss. It occupies the third category, which is that of the un-win. The win precluded me. I cannot win, nor can I lose because I have no legitimacy to compete. I am not there. I was always missing from the picture.
I unraveled my friendships just to see how they were particularly coiled. I was unable to reconstitute them. I loosed trust in the process of the unraveling.
Why do I think of lost opportunities? My relationship unraveling is a consequence of not wanting to lose an opportunity. A lot of good this does me.
Once again I will let an opportunity dissipate. The window will close. It should. It wasn't there. Opportunities don't exist. Moments present themselves and you either choose to act or avoid acting upon some presumption that for you is ripe in this moment. A lot of good that will do you. A lot of damn good that will do.
The moment will pass as all moments should. I cannot wish them into existence. I cannot wish them away. They merely exist. Here, I stand with no one. I am non-coincident to myself. Existence pushes something aside. I have no desire to push back. I have no desire. I have no will. I have no motivation. I am without a narrative or an identity that persuades me to act upon it let alone share it.
But I have a dream to be a cloud someday. I am mostly water, so I am mostly a cloud with some other mineral and molecular material holding it to the ground in some semblance of a person. I want to be a cloud. Sooner or later this personage, this historical, nagging inertia of an identity will lose its selfish battle for self-identity. Then, then my watery remainder will rise into the sky.
To want to be a cloud is a laughable offense.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The absent presence
"Why Phil," she would say, "what puts you in the dumps to-day? You are as solemn as the upper bench in Meeting. I shall have to call Alice to raise your spirits; my presence seems to depress you."
"It's not your presence, but your absence when you are present," began Philip, dolefully, with the idea that he was saying a rather deep thing. "But you won't understand me."
"No, I confess I cannot. If you really are so low as to think I am absent when I am present, it's a frightful case of aberration; I shall ask father to bring out Dr. Jackson. Does Alice appear to be present when she is absent?"
from The gilded age: A tale of to-day (vol. 1) by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner (1873)
"It's not your presence, but your absence when you are present," began Philip, dolefully, with the idea that he was saying a rather deep thing. "But you won't understand me."
"No, I confess I cannot. If you really are so low as to think I am absent when I am present, it's a frightful case of aberration; I shall ask father to bring out Dr. Jackson. Does Alice appear to be present when she is absent?"
from The gilded age: A tale of to-day (vol. 1) by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner (1873)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
why try?
Why try?
When I reach out I inadvertently push people away. I've pushed away a woman named Anna. I'm pushing away a woman named Eleanor.
Eleanor's is a slow-motion car crash. Pain and disappointment get heaped on with broken glass shards of chance opportunity, hell even hope, thrown in.
Why try when all I do is lose the friends I have? Is that the taboo to dating within your friend network? I'd hate to think that there's some kind of unwritten rule regarding this.
I don't know what I'm doing. I truly don't know. One hand reaches out while the other covers my face, a childish attempt at hiding myself at shielding me from my own shame at what I'm doing.
I don't know what I'm doing. I lack confidence completely when it comes to personal, intimate relations. I am a dolt. I am an idiot. I am a fool. I reveal this, and the person with whom I share this rare moment of my foolishness loses all respect for me. Hell she even hates me. That's what I sense--hate.
I set out to prove what I tell myself daily--you're a useless, youthless, toothless, bum. Every day brings me closer to my nadir, a nadir that I've set for myself as a personal goal.
This is my doing. I am an accomplished loser. Give me a job somebody. I need to take my mind of my own self pity.
When I reach out I inadvertently push people away. I've pushed away a woman named Anna. I'm pushing away a woman named Eleanor.
Eleanor's is a slow-motion car crash. Pain and disappointment get heaped on with broken glass shards of chance opportunity, hell even hope, thrown in.
Why try when all I do is lose the friends I have? Is that the taboo to dating within your friend network? I'd hate to think that there's some kind of unwritten rule regarding this.
I don't know what I'm doing. I truly don't know. One hand reaches out while the other covers my face, a childish attempt at hiding myself at shielding me from my own shame at what I'm doing.
I don't know what I'm doing. I lack confidence completely when it comes to personal, intimate relations. I am a dolt. I am an idiot. I am a fool. I reveal this, and the person with whom I share this rare moment of my foolishness loses all respect for me. Hell she even hates me. That's what I sense--hate.
I set out to prove what I tell myself daily--you're a useless, youthless, toothless, bum. Every day brings me closer to my nadir, a nadir that I've set for myself as a personal goal.
This is my doing. I am an accomplished loser. Give me a job somebody. I need to take my mind of my own self pity.
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