why try?

Why try?

When I reach out I inadvertently push people away. I've pushed away a woman named Anna. I'm pushing away a woman named Eleanor.

Eleanor's is a slow-motion car crash. Pain and disappointment get heaped on with broken glass shards of chance opportunity, hell even hope, thrown in.

Why try when all I do is lose the friends I have? Is that the taboo to dating within your friend network? I'd hate to think that there's some kind of unwritten rule regarding this.

I don't know what I'm doing. I truly don't know. One hand reaches out while the other covers my face, a childish attempt at hiding myself at shielding me from my own shame at what I'm doing.

I don't know what I'm doing. I lack confidence completely when it comes to personal, intimate relations. I am a dolt. I am an idiot. I am a fool. I reveal this, and the person with whom I share this rare moment of my foolishness loses all respect for me. Hell she even hates me. That's what I sense--hate.

I set out to prove what I tell myself daily--you're a useless, youthless, toothless, bum. Every day brings me closer to my nadir, a nadir that I've set for myself as a personal goal.

This is my doing. I am an accomplished loser. Give me a job somebody. I need to take my mind of my own self pity.