Recent job application

I love doing these because they are the most degrading ways to sell oneself as a bunch of lines of information regarding fit and fitness for a job. In a feat that would make competitive limbo pale by comparison I hocked myself to a small law firm, looking for a data entry grunt. Unfortunately, I have no tits nor do I fit the stereotype maintained by a conservative law firm run by equally conservative white men in what could possibly be described as a "Jewish ghetto" in a county west of the city.

To whom it may concern:

I am writing in application for the word processor position that you have available at your Creve Coeur law office. My skills as a writer and communicator are indicated by my educational background, which is outlined in my attached CV and resume.

To help inform your decision I am 36 years of age, with 11 years of college experience, including 6 years of post graduate work in Communication with a completed Masters Degree in Communication and with completed course work and passing comprehensive exams in Doctoral work. My studies focused on technology use in organizations and technology and science policy. During these studies I have completed certificates in creative writing and in science and technology policy in addition to acquiring college teaching certificates as a Teaching Assistant  during my post-graduate studies.

While my skills may run far afield and sometimes in excess of what you are looking for I assure you that I am a professional worker and writer with a record of high-level writing, analysis, and research. In addition, my brief employment at Facts and Comparisons introduced me to legal writing as a copy editor for their book, "Pharmacy Law Digest."

More appropriate to your request is probably my writing speed and work ethic. I tested my typing speed three times using an online measuring test located here (http://www.typeonline.co.uk/typingspeed.php). My three test results are 85 WPM, 65 WPM, and 62 WPM. I can assure you that at my age I am not enamored with the use of social networking to maintain constant and shallow updates with a friend network, nor do I own a smartphone to fill my interstitial time "looking for deals." I come seeking work and intend to do so in an appropriate manner. I own business casual clothes, maintain a conservative look, practice proper hygiene, own a reliable car, and live within convenient commuter distance to your office location.

Please find my attached CV and resume with current address and cellular phone number. This or the listed e-mail are both appropriate for replies to my application.

Thank you for your time.

with regards,
Jason Lesko

As is customary with most job applications I do these days I received nothing in return, not even recognition that the message made it to the other end. Another attempt at straight talk probably rankled the sensibilities of the professional sophist himself, the trial lawyer.