I've been gone a while

I've been gone a while. I've had a lot on my mind. The usual pain and rejection I've felt have given way to a scary moment of potential hope. I'm taking it very slow.

It appears I have a chance.

It appears.

I have a chance.

I won't put much into the meaning of it right now other than I had a brief semi-sexual run in with a long-time acquaintance. We had it at a wonderful location--Monk's Mound.

We left, had a quiet drive home, and I had the audacity to ask for her number. She told me she had a boyfriend, and that was that.

"I understand." That's what I told her.

A few weeks later she's back in town and my friend Thomas, who is her ex-boyfriend, picked her up from the airport. We sit outside of a bar and she's expressing loudly that she's done with her boyfriend. She's going to try to set him up with this vixen little girl lithely dancing around the tables. Enough said.

I see her a few weeks later at a party, and we chat. She's getting too drunk. I'm getting drunk as well, but not too drunk. I'm trying to pace myself. Her boyfriend is there. She introduced me to him. We say hi. Everything is cordial. As the night extends on I get a little frisky with her. We dance a little. We do a little of anything. She's talking in my ear what she wants. She asks me about my mom. I tell her that my mom is a 'total gypsy.' She's comforted by this. We continue the flirting game. I'm becoming a HAM--a hard ass motherfucker. She talks to me some more. At some point I step back and wander around the room. She's having a loud conversation with a friend named Kendra. It could be about me. I'm not looking her way. I'm partly discomforted and partly flattered by the possibility. It's been a long fucking time--a really long fucking time. I want her. She wants me to pursue her. Perhaps she wants me to be a little aggressive with her. I want that as well. All seems good, maybe. I don't want to over-think or over-fantasize the situation. That will get the best of me.

So far, I've stopped masturbating if only to honor a commitment but with no possible moment when I can release. She's older. She's confident. She's also quite sardonic in how she discusses herself. She called herself 'oldilocks' one night. She's not old. She's in her late thirties. I'm 34. We're of the age range. I'd say this is a good situation. I prefer older women. She has the trappings of an older woman--confidence, some wrinkles, a great attitude, wisdom. This is perfect.

So if I've written my pain on this wall for so long, I'm having a difficult time discussing something that I don't want to blow up. I'd prefer to take this slowly. I would like to get into the habit of less negativity, less woe, and more happiness. We shall see if I reach that point.

This is what I've had to relate. I wanted to post something in May. A year ago this May I was pining over someone who lives above me. She doesn't even look at me. Yes, I miss her. Yes, I miss our friendship. Yes, I want us to be friends again. No, I'm not going to chase after her again. I've got a bigger, better, and much more realistic prize. I just have to not think about her sex life. Mine is sort of non-existent. It's time to bring it back from the dead.