utter disappointment

Today is one of those days when I'm utterly disappointed in my life. I recall that I once had a future. Now it seems that I only have a present. Dreaming of a possible and brighter future was my source of hope, my source of happiness, a container for my dreams.

I still dream of a brighter future. I am utterly disappointed with my current condition. I'm becoming increasingly selfish. I am becoming increasingly jealous. I want what I don't have and I'm willing anymore to destroy friendships in the pursuit of what I don't have. In the end, all I really want is some kind of affirming presence. Right now, it's a lot of me hamming for attention, and my god an I am an obnoxious prick in the pursuit of this.

I'm done making calls after a night of drunken debauchery and requesting forgiveness from others. I don't know if I need to apologize. I probably should see it that way. I grade crappy papers. I post crappy responses. My current occupation is so utterly unfulfilling that I dread returning after a few days away. Those days away I spend spinning in my heels, drinking, and trying to charm every girl with a pulse. I repeat myself. I think I anger people as well. Sometimes my regret at angering others shouldn't be entertained. Some people just aren't worth my concern. I need to extricate myself from social situations that I feel that I'm poisoning. I cannot stand that.

I tell myself that if I had a job that kept me employed full time, I'd be happy. No, I'd just be preoccupied. If I'm lucky I'd be too preoccupied to worry about my life. In the absence of continuous obligations and duties I worry. I worry that I may never find a mate. I worry that I may never find fulfilling work. I worry that anything I write will mean nothing. I worry that I'm in a situation where I don't have as much control as I want. I worry that I'm ruining others' impressions of me. I have tested these at least. I spin things over in my head, over and over and over and over. I'm living some kind of loop of remembrance, guilt, shame, sorrow, anger, jealousy, resentment, resignation. Right now, I'm depressed at the start of a new day and my obligations to work to some measurable standard of adequacy. I'm not feeling up to it. I dislike the work that I do right now. Sometimes I accept it and the freedom that I have. Not now, no, now I hate this work.

I am fearful that my feelings will get the best of me. I am fearful that I may eventually snap. I am fearful that I am killing myself in order to find some kind of happiness. I am uncertain that I will find any happiness that is long-lasting. I think I like some people, but when I pursue those people I am fearful of their otherness. I grow disgusted at silly things. Why should I judge? What gives me that right?

I'll keep plugging away. Mentality is an affliction. Reflection is the precursor to my own disgust. To know oneself outside of time, to regard oneself according to some standard, to some measure only leads me to measure myself short nearly every time. That's the source of my affliction. I'm so damn stuck in my head. I've made strides to extricate myself from that, but I'm beginning to feel that my attempts are all false. I'm beginning to snap under the weight of so much silly returning to the same issues.

I'm about ready to give up on this life, but this isn't a cry for help. This isn't a suicide. This is me killing my social life one friendship at a time. This is me realizing that my actions can and will have lasting consequences. This is me wishing that this network of thinking neurons around which my identity sparks would disappear. John Lennon mentioned LSD leading to ego destruction. I am unsure if I could achieve such a thing, but to me it sounds like a wonderful proposition. I try, I try, I try, but I have yet to achieve freedom from my own surly self-identity.