What to do, what to do

Sometimes your life presents opportunities to spread out, to switch gears, to move on, to leave town. I find myself at one of these points.

I killed my friendships. I actually succeeded this time. Make a pass at your friend's girlfriend. It worked for me. She still won't look at me. It's funny really. I don't know what to make of it all. I suggest that the feelings are more complex than merely 'creeped out' or 'suspicious.' I won't speculate. I'll just let it die like I wanted it to earlier this year.

Now that I've killed my friendship. I'll now seek out a new life, a life outside of this circle of friends. Can this be done? Why can't it be done? It's so bloody simple in this digital world to just change one's phone, move without the assistance of your friends, and simply 'disconnect.' So bloody simple.

I guess that's the problem. Friendship is needed from a psychosocial perspective. But the one thing that required companionship--raising kids, collecting food, building shelter--the labor-intensive conjunctive tasks that punctuated human settlement in the past, are all but taken care of by technologies and services.

I can rent a truck. I can hire a mover. I can sell off my items. I can do all of this myself. It's so damn easy. I can even move when they're not around. I can get everything moved to the frontroom, and move it into a rented truck at 9 am. I'd have the truck packed by the afternoon. Then I'd just ship out, drop the key in their slot, and be gone forever.

Forever is so subjective. Forever in this case would only last as long as our lives, that could be 30 years maybe 50. That's not really forever, and I really see no need in calling it forever.

This is what I've learned. Placing all your eggs in one basket creates a weakness. If all you care about are a couple of people, when those people don't invite you, don't call back, don't answer the phone, don't answer the door, ignore your voice, ignore your presence, then your world falls apart. This dissolution of reality may only be temporary, but it is a devastating consequence. It hurts. And given the nature of how you place all your stake in these close friends it artificially creates a crisis anytime this kind of activity occurs. The simpler you're ignored, the more it hurts. You don't exist. Alternately, a verbal assault, threats of violence, and arguing in general would substantiate the connections between you and these friends. I guess I wanted to see how real this friendship was. It was real. It is real. And I have a choice about whether or not I want to repair this friendship, if it's even broken.

I've apologized. I've spoken my mind. Hell, I shared my infatuations with my friend first. He may have been building a case to support his suspicions, and I helped to confirm those suspicions. That's all I have done. And now I have a choice to just walk away, every moment I stay away I confirm an absent answer to the current status of our friendship. Hell, for the first three weeks I pretended like I didn't know what I did, and I did not know what I did. Now that I do, my own suspicions about what I did were confirmed. That's all.

Strange how when you force a new meaning on a friendship it requires violence. Forcing meaning requires a violent force, be it symbolic or physical. In this case, touching a body was the physical violence. Saying that I 'want to make a connection' is the symbolic component. Looking at these from afar, they're pretty weak.

How weak can it be? It's in the absence of unambiguous meaning that we fill in with suspicions and anxieties. It's a fun exercise really. I find destroying or at least testing boundaries demonstrates how this process works. Funny that I find some activities a violation of my space, and my friends don't see this. Now that I repaid the favor in some way, they're the ones who are upset. It's a futile exercise if what is more important is the relationship.

There's no need to say goodbye. There's no need to even apologize any more. There's no need to address what occurred. There's no need to talk about it. I'd rather leave that moment in our collective past some kind of redacted document. Its contours can and should be remembered like a drunken party or a sedated surgery. An absent presence is felt but it cannot be remembered. I'll leave it at that.

Herein lies the rub. Yes, there is a wrinkle in my plan. I may run into these people. I could still be cordial. Why would I then keep them from knowing where I live? It's a strange situation. Yes, there's no need to leave them out of my life. I just need to move away. That's all I need to do, move away. So simple. I don't have to disconnect my phone or hide my address. I'll just leave, move out, reestablish myself in some other part of the city. That's a simple procedure. That's a simple exercise in getting some aspect of my life back. I'd rather not know my neighbors. I'd rather not know with whom I share my walls. At least I'd rather not care what goes on behind their walls and they the same for me.

"Your music was so loud." That's what my friend said when I went out with his girlfriend and she wanted to hang out in my apartment for a bit. I played some music and we shared a few beers. Normally, he says that my music doesn't bother him. Then it did. I suspect that he cannot trust me. I suspect that he cannot trust his girlfriend. Her ability to compartmentalize to cordon her behavior to select people should raise suspicion. She won't give him all of her. In one year they will have been common-law married. Eight years is all it takes. She knows this, and she's trying hard to break out of his orbit and do something with her life. I don't blame her. Surely, I did something to disrupt her own sense of where I stand in her orbit of relations. She won't look at me. Well she will, but she doesn't initiate an interaction with eye contact. She also won't tell me "no." Why can't she say "no?" It's a monosyllabic word that is probably one of the first words that I learned. Hell, we all learned this word probably first. "No" is such an important word. I touch her, and she can say "no." I make her feel uncomfortable, and she can say "no." If she wants me to not do something all she has to do is say "no." That's so bloody simple. I know "no." I respond to "no." I won't resent her "no." Yet she won't say "no." Hell, he won't say "no" either. "No" must cause discomfort. It's odd, yes. I made her feel uncomfortable.

Discomfort can be an odd sensation. I suggest that her discomfort stems from a reevaluation of our relationship. I may have shattered some of her trust. I wasn't the only one flirting. Damn it, I know this to be true. I crossed some line that never was mentioned. She trusted me. Perhaps she doesn't trust me anymore. That's fine. I'd rather be too complex to predict and control. That's my new joke. "Baby, I'm so complex that I'm confused."

I like booze damn it. I love booze. I can almost drink a full bottle of vodka. What kind of achievement is that? I guess part of it is a Chinasky aesthetic. Chinasky is Charles Bukowski's own persona in his novels. He boozes, writes, submits his work, occasionally makes money from his work, and shares his earnings via booze with his drinking friends. These friends are a motley crew of drunks. He of course has a rough-around-the-edges lady. Hell, I have no drinking friends. I drink and stare at a computer screen, cheer on movies, and play video games. I hardly write. I need to do that more. I need to diary less and create more. I suppose this is a fitting proxy for my writing. I'll grant it that. I do try to tailor this shit as best I can.

To summarize, all that I have done in wishing away my friends and their encroaching lives is to push back. I finally pushed too hard. I hardly think that I destroyed anything permanently, but now is a good time for me to make a strong decision. I win if I move out. They get more space. I get my sanity back at least temporarily. I'll probably go crazy once again. Paranoia and delusions are my nest material. I'll prick my finger on something sharp in my nest soon enough. Until then all I can do is make the first move.